I am spending the first half of 2026 far away from home. Specifically, I am in the magical city of Copenhagen, Denmark. When I say magical, I mean it in a literal sense — in less than 2 months, living here has helped me discover myself.
When I was in Singapore last year, I had this conversation with a friend. I told him that I actually don't want to have a lavish life. I find a minimalist and simple life very attractive. Yet, I am in tech, where the grindset is everything. People compete with each other for a quant internship to earn $10,000 SGD per month. Others juggle normal coursework with a part-time internship. Everyone is doing something, all the time. And I, as an anxiety-laden, ADHD-suffering, FOMO-driven perfectionist, felt the need to 'keep up' with the rest of the population. So I participated in the Singaporean rat-race. At the expense of my mental health, and despite it being diametrically opposed to my future goals.
Looking back, I could have just stopped. No one is really stopping me from 'checking out' of the competition. But I didn't know a life outside of the rat race. I was terrified that I would lose myself. I have built this identity of a 'high-achiever' around me, and to see it crumbling down if I step out of the race... I didn't know if I could handle that. The thought of it scared me to death. And so, I continue the soul-sucking race while knowing full well that this is not the life I want to pursue.
Then, Denmark. Work starts at 10AM, maybe 10:30AM if you want a little bit more time at home. We go home at 4PM. We work from home for 2-3 days a week, and no one is there to police your working hour. No emails before or after work. My supervisor (bless her heart, she's the absolute best) does not have unrealistic expectations for me, and helps me tons along the way. After work, I get to cook, do laundry, exercise, watch movies and listen to podcasts. And before I know it, it's still 8PM. Life is... slow. I'm sure the rat race still exists here (we are in a capitalist society, after all), but the wheel is moving at least half as fast as it is in Singapore. While the weather can be diabolically cold sometimes, life here is sublime.
With more free time outside of work, I get to spend time with myself, thinking about what kind of life I envision for myself in the future. Some questions I ask are:
- Do you want to optimize for money? No. Rich people are cancer on earth, and they probably have done something wrong to be in that position.
- Am I pursuing research because I want to be a researcher, or just because I am in an undergraduate research program? I really enjoy my time here in Denmark, and being an academic is a noble goal aligned with my morals. So, yes. I'd like to put in the years of training to be an academic.
- OK, so what kind of problems you want to solve? Do you still want to pursue AI/ML in frontier labs? Hmm, maybe not. I don't want to contribute to making AI more powerful. Even though industry pay significantly more money, I think I just want to work in something that is unequivocally good. Something like AI in biology, or making sure AI is trustworthy, equitable, and safe.
- How good of a researcher do you want to be? Not the best. I am willing to close some doors if it means I maintain my mental health and relationships. I don't have to go to the well-known schools and work under the most renowned labs. If research is my career of choice, I will have >30 years of researching to do. What's the rush?
- So you are saying, you are willing to risk NOT reaching your full potential? Yes. Why do I even need to 'reach my full potential' anyways? I used to be scared if I don't, then I won't get a job and I will die poor in a ditch. But that's not true. I will live. I worked really really hard to be in a 'safe' position where I can't go wrong. And I am in that position right now. Why shouldn't I enjoy the fruits of my labor?
- But you will at least try to do your best in your work, right? Not necessarily! I have ADHD, so there will be days where I work 12-15 hours a day. On these days, sure! I will do my best. But there will be other days where I don't want to do any work. Then I simply... won't. And I won't blame myself for it, even when it is "unproductive" in the eyes of the mass. I believe great things are still happening during these days; it just can't be measured by the amount of work. I also won't let my work comes before myself, my health, my relationships, and my hobbies.
- You don't want to optimize for money, or optimize for impact, or optimize for effort. What the hell. Then what do you want to optimize for? Nothing. Brennan Lee Mulligan mentioned the danger of the "souless instinct to optimize". Isn't it conventional wisdom that when a metric becomes a target, it ceases to be a good metric? So why do I need to optimize for something? What if I want to just enjoy life as is, following my intellectual curiosity, and doing little things that makes the world a better place? Sure, I would probably be less in a lot of ways, but I will also be a fuller, happier, and more fulfilled human being. If having a "life goal" means that I need to optimize to reach that goal, then I'd rather take my time, wandering.
- What do you mean 'more fulfilled'? Without a life goal, how do you even feel fulfilled? It is a scam that we are told to believe "fulfillment" comes from achieving goals. No. Fulfillment comes from satisfying your desires. Hedonism has a bit of a bad rep, but it doesn't have to be. I am not saying that optimizing for pleasure is good (prev. point stands — optimizing for anything is bad). I was referring to the Epicurean definition of hedonism: pursuing simple and sustainable pleasures in life. These pleasures will be different for different people, but for me, it would be my satisfying my curiosity, helping others, and spending time doing what I like. You don't need a lofty life goal to achieve these. They already happen on a day-to-day basis.
- You will regret this in the future. You're right. Maybe I will. Or maybe I won't. Who knows! If I ever looked back to this personal 'manifesto' in the future, and thought, "Wow, this is a very näive way of looking at life. I lost so many opportunities because of it.", I'd remind my future self that it's just the absurdity of life. Just because it didn't work out in the end, it doesn't mean it wasn't worthwhile at all.
In essence, I want to be an academic, but not an optimized one — a wandering one. I refuse to do work for the sake of other people other than myself. Fear not; I am not proselytizing. I am fully aware that this 'philosophy' comes from an extremely privileged point of view:
- I get to work as an academic with a great(er) deal of autonomy, and therefore satisfy my curiosity (not everyone gets to do this).
- I don't have debt from loans, my financials are more or less stable, and I work in a relatively lucrative and convenient field.
Exiting the rat race is a privilege, but since I get to do it — the more reasons I should do it. And I urge everyone who can, to at least, consider.
One more thing I want to discuss on this philosophical exercise: the power of the people around you. The hedonic treadmill theory supposes that there is a 'set point' of happiness. While happy or sad events in life may cause our happiness to deviate, it will eventually return to the set point. Think about a good news, or a bad news, that you received 5 years ago. Do you still feel the same extent of happiness or sadness as last time? I doubt so. We are cursed to walk on the treadmill — always reaching for happiness that is just beyond our reach.
Now, I'd like to propose a similar phenomenon called the validation treadmill. The reason why you felt the need to always 'prove yourself' is because of you want to get validation from the rotating door of people around you. Let's think of it this way: when you are a student, in order to impress your teacher and classmates, you work extra hard to get good grades. Once you get good grades, you move up to university. Naturally, you fit in with the group of high-achievers. Now, the bar is higher, you need to be better than this group of smart people. If you manage to impress them, by getting a great job, your baseline changes yet again; the bar is getting higher and higher. The friends at work are even more competitive than your university friends. What I'm saying is that you can never impress other people. It is a Sisyphean task. If you build your identity around what other people think about you, you will never be enough. Is that really a life worth living?
I would like to close this exercise with a quote from one of my favorite (if not my favorite) anime of all time:
Keep wandering, wandering is how you find what is right.
In this society where the rich financially benefits from optimization and self-doubt, I argue that there is merit in wandering; in not choosing what is rationally the 'best' option, but simply what you feel is right; in listening to yourself, more than the noise of others; in simply existing, in the middle of an increasingly absurd world — and enjoy it as is.